Sunday, December 5, 2010

Tis the season.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend with my family.
Who so kindly drove the 8+ hours once again to celebrate a special time with us.
They are so nice like that.

Going back a bit. About a month. I was having such a difficult time in my life trying to figure out a new shift/place/chapter in my life.
More and more I started to find myself as that "glass half empty" girl. And feeling bad about it. Ashamed. Closed + teary. I tried desperately to see the good in everything. I had everything. Everything! And I just couldn't for the life of me relax, stop worrying and enjoy things as they happen and go.

It was HARD.
Good days and lots of bad days to be honest.

In Rochester, a year a go I was ready for this next adventure here in Aspen.
So over the top excited about it actually.
We are here for only one year, I want to soak it all in.
I planned, researched, bookmarked, recorded and looked forward to it ALL.

We enjoyed such a fun summer, like a loooong needed wonderful vacation!

Then the summer ended.
Fall was welcomed.
October came without an ounce of snow and I was finding my groove with the kiddos.
Bryan hardly worked a full day. Life was good.

Bryan's schedule picked up.
He spent a few weekends away trying to earn enough money for us to live in this Manhattan in the west kind of place - we are grateful!
I was here. Kiddos well adjusted. Fully unpacked and waiting for winter.

It was then I felt an antsy-ness that I just couldn't shake. A worry that took my mind to instant tears. I was getting good at it really.
I was surprised at how isolated I could feel with four children around me.
There are very few young families in Aspen.
I am here for one year, is it worth the effort of finding the few there are?

I think my feeling of adventure had ended.
Like I was on a vacation and ready to go home.
But I am home.
I think.

An adventure sounded fun last year.
Like it was one step closer, one last hoop to jump thru.
Then I realized was I more excited for Aspen or the hoop?
And I instantly just wanted to hit fast forward and get it over with.

It's not like I have haven't done my share of waiting.
13 years to be exact.
I felt DONE.
Gave all I could give to the cause of our goal of him becoming a doctor.

I've given my worry to it.
My heart.
My tears.

But now, it is December + I can reflect.
Because now, I can say I am okay.
I've come to a peace I was praying for.
It was healing. And felt like love.

I am amazed at how peaceful I feel.
How grateful I am to lessons I've learned these past few weeks.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
I realize now I was focusing more on the finish line than I should.
I'm a mile 25 in this big chapter of my life + I've learned that sometimes patience even when you feel like you have none left there is always more.

Mile 25 can feel tired.
It can feel high and it can feel low.
Letting go + losing yourself in everyday life can teach fine lessons.
Letting life surprise + teach changes you. For good.

It's what I needed.
Not just for now, but future me.

Bryan calls me "future girl".
Because many of my thoughts to him begin with "Won't it be great when..."
But I'm over it, I love "future girl" + I'll always be partly that.
Because I am a dreamer, but really want to start being "now girl".
Because that's where we are. And I realize truly where happiness lives.

I'm in love with life again. It's always been so good to me.
I've felt a renewed sense of being I have never felt or maybe just missed.
I'm taking things as they come, being grateful most of all + letting go.

And embracing snow! Glorious snow.
For it has brought with it joyous moments with my family. And skiing.


Haley said...

Moving is so hard. It wasn't as hard moving here because I had people like you! I'm glad you're happy. Wish we could hit the slopes together . . . although it's been so long I would probably be more of a comedy show than a fun skiing buddy. Love you girl!!

Dani said...

Thanks for you honesty! I felt a lot of those same feelings when we first moved here to Idaho. But being happy and content with where you are and what you have brings so much peace. Glad you found that happy place!

The Perez Family said...

I'm sorry to hear you were struggling, but so happy to hear you've come out the other side and are the better for it!
Sending lots of love...

Aubrey said...

I wanted you to know that I really appreciated this post. I have felt this same exact way over the last month and am just now seeing the light. Our situations are so different yet similar. It was nice to hear how you got through and see that it's normal to have feelings like this every once in a while. Thanks!

Lacey said...

I think we all have a lot of these days. I can really relate to you...I had so many plans for what I wanted to do with my children and the life I wanted to lead and simply chose to ignore that I am going blind. But then I had to quit driving and it was a real wake up call to me that life as I always pictured it is not going to be quite like I pictured it to be. It took me a long while to get trough that and "mourn" the life I thought I was going to have. But I'm better now. I can still see a good life even with blindness. There have been a LOT of prayers that have helped me through it. There are still bad days here and there but there is a lot to be grateful for.
Love ya Jame! Hope you can really enjoy the rest of your year in Aspen! And can be truly happy!

Katrina said...

Change is hard, even when it's something we want! I have a quote hanging in our house, that I try to live by, "Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy." I always enjoy when occaisionally friends write those "honest" posts. Glad you are feeling better!

Melissa said...

I've missed your posts--and can appreciate why--you are so talented so keep inspiring me :)

We are needing a family picture girl--so when you make it out to Utah please contact me!!

Emmett and Ashlee said...

Thanks. I have felt many of those things the past year...and needed to hear many of the things you said. It was weird....I have always been kind of a future girl too, and now that we are done and out of school, it has been a hard transition for me to realize that the constant waiting for the next phase is over. You really do have to just enjoy where you are, Now! Love ya!

Rachel Call said...

Thank you, Jaime, for being so real. What a beautiful lesson to learn and experience. To "be" instead of just worrying about "doing" has been an interesting journey of my own. Much love.

Andrews Family said...

Jaime...I just LOVE your honesty! It's actually very comforting to know that others have been feeling the same way. November was a very difficult month for me also and it has taken me weeks to pull out of it and see what the Lord has been trying to teach me. It's been challenging but I am smiling again and am very grateful for a loving H.F., the Holy Ghost, and a wonderful husband that knows how to help me when I don't want to hear it :) If only we were perfect...right! I wish one day we will get to live by each other again and we can have many nights to chat (and craft :)! I know I could learn a lot from you.

P.S. PLEASE come visit!!! I would absolutely LOVE it! SERIOUSLY!!! It would be so fun having friends come enjoy Japan with us. We are here until July 2012. There are lots of Marathon's here that you can schedule into your trip as well :) I think Tokyo's is in February and Nagano's is in April. Our place is really little but the hotel on base is really cheap and we also have a really nice military hotel in down town Tokyo that's really inexpensive that we can get for you.

Love you tons! Hang in are an amazing woman!

P.S.S. I LOVE that you and Bryan go skiing every Friday. Way to live in the moment!!!